HIV tests are more positive than that guy
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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