you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
