I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
