I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
