if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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