Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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