If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
