we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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