There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
