Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
