You smell like stripper and shame
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
