my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
