Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
even my farts smell like vagina
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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