he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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