i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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