she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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