Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
