he thought i was a dude.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
