glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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