This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
