I accidentally had phone sex last night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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