Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
