How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
