I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
