I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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