New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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