I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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