I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
