She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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