I just made out with a guy for $7.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
