you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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