New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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