my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
