At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
