im drinking this country out of the recession.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
