I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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