My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
