Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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