How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's always time for handjobs
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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