I want to stick my p in your. b.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
