I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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