You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
