i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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