i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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