Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
