I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
