Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
