I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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