I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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