Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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