I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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