About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
