Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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