Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
