I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
