I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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