The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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